Boxing

When we hear the word stereotyping used today it’s usually and accurately referring to putting another person or persons in a category with negative and harmful consequences for them. In this post, I want to reflect on what happens to us when we initiate or participate in that type of behavior.

Reflecting back on myself as a child growing up in a small town in Schuylkill County, I have come to realize how much stereotyping actually took place.  Just to name a few, persons of color, members of various ethnic groups, supporters of opposing political parties, those of different financial status, followers of other religions, etc. were often seen as “less than” and to be avoided!

One of the clearest examples was when my mother—who I considered a saint—instructed me to “never date a Catholic”!  She was one of the kindest and most sensitive individuals I ever knew but this was a clear message which I, to this day, do not know the origin of. For better or worse, I often didn’t do what I was told!  Religious preference didn’t enter into my decision as to who I would or wouldn’t date!  

When I met Rita in January of 1972, her religious preference wasn’t at all on my check list.  I was totally smitten and within in a month I asked her to marry me! November of that same year we were wife and husband. Had I bought into my mother’s prejudicial decree I would have missed the opportunity to spend the rest of my life with the most amazing woman I have ever met!

I also believe that if my mother had lived long enough to meet and get to know Rita it would have been the experience that would have allowed her to step out of the prejudicial box that limited her total life experience. It is these prejudicial boxes we create that not only hurt others but also limit us from becoming all that this Sneaky God wants for each of us!

A second clear example I experienced as a child was the blatant prejudice and putting in destructive boxes folks of color, often using words and terms I would be embarrassed to acknowledge let alone put in print! This one actually bothered me as a young person but at the time I couldn’t gather the courage to name it for what it was.  

I remember quite clearly my best friend’s father sitting in a lawn chair looking over into a neighbor’s yard who were involved in a program—I think it was called “Fresh Air For Kids”— and the neighbor family had two Black children from Philadelphia vacationing with their family for the week.  What my friend’s father said about those two children stunned me even in an environment where prejudice was quite common.

It wasn’t until I arrived at York College that I had the opportunity to actually interact with and build relationships with folks who had color in their pigment and their person!  

One among several was an outspoken fellow student out of a small steel community outside of Pittsburgh, in some ways similar to a small coal mining town where I grew up.  Bill was (and still is) a character, a quality I seek out in potential friends!  

He and I took positions as counselors at the State Correctional Institution, often commuting together and creating and embellishing stories which we tell over and over to this very day.  We then both were accepted in a graduate program at Lehigh University where Bill often stayed with Rita and I in an apartment in Bethlehem.  

When our first son, Joshua, was born Rita and I wrestled with a variety of close friends when deciding on a Godfather before agreeing on Bill!  Josh has often referred to Bill as Uncle Bill. 

Most recently Bill suggested to a men’s group which has been meeting monthly for over thirty years, that they invite me into their sacred space. This monthly online gathering of diverse men listening and sharing openly and honestly with each other has been one of the most unique and transformative gifts I have been given recently!

Facing the indoctrinated impulse to put folks of color in a box which I was clearly exposed to early in life has opened up more opportunities for personal growth and expanding opportunities to experience more and more how this Sneaky God shows up each day. I can’t begin to comprehend my life today had I not broken free of that prejudicial box I found myself in as a child!

It’s embarrassing and yet critical for self-growth to acknowledge that about the time I feel I  have overcome my tendency to put people and groups in boxes, I catch myself doing it yet again! 

What seduces me into this stifling behavior when I have clearly come to realize that this decision, conscious or unconscious, will limit my growth, learning, and all that this Sneaky God is about to gift me with? Is it fear, prejudice, insecurity, or possibly something I haven’t yet identified? 

What’s most puzzling and confusing for me is that I have clearly come to understand and celebrate how facing that behavior of putting others in boxes has transformed my entire life journey for the better and yet that tendency shows up as soon as I let my guard down!

One of my current limiting “boxing” tendencies is to pigeonhole and judge folks based on their yard signs, bumper stickers, hats, etc. Which leads to placing folks I know well and folks I never really met into boxes!  Yet my biggest concern facing us presently is the growing division within our country!  

Do I have the courage to acknowledge and begin addressing my own behaviors which are clearly contributing to this frightening division within our families, communities and what I feel is the most amazing country in the world?

For several reasons, when folks ask, I have come to describe myself as an independent who tries to stay informed on the major issues facing us as a country, trying to step outside the “box” of party affiliation. When possible, I try to sort through the issues from not only what is best for me as a citizen but what would best serve the overall health and welfare of our community and our country. This is much easier to put in print than to live out each day!  

I have come to believe that if we could look past the boxes we have created and face our fears and insecurities, we could create a place of healing and bring healthy resolution to the issues which are presently dividing us. It would require all of us to set our own agenda aside, at least long enough to really listen to each other!

Even if we feel a need to return to our initial position, we will have a much better understanding of why the other person feels differently about the issue. This understanding of the Other has the potential to address the fear, prejudice, and growing anger that is driving a wedge between us.

My agenda in writing this post was to share how this approach has the potential to begin moving us in a much healthier direction as a country, but equally as important, to create fertile ground for our own personal growth, learning, and overall health. Because when we create “boxes” for other folks, it is actually us who wind up imprisoned in them!

QUESTIONS FOR DEEPENING THE SPIRITUAL JOURNEY

• Are you able to identify any “boxes” that you acquired during your childhood?  If so, have you been able to unpack them and step outside the boxes that confined you?
• If you have been successful, what allowed you to make the transition and how has it impacted your daily life?
• Have you, consciously or unconsciously, created your own boxes as an adult? What prompted you to adopt this perspective (e.g. one bad experience, media influence, your social circle, religious leaders)?
•  If so, have you been able to identify what were the factors that drove you to construct the boxes (e.g. fear, anger, ignorance)?
• What limitations have your boxes placed on you and what do you think you might have missed out on by preemptively closing yourself off to certain people? Can you think of any specific instances where your prejudices kept or almost kept you from a rewarding relationship?
• Do you have the courage to try dismantling your boxes and explore what our Sneaky God may have in store for you?  Remember, you always have the option of returning to your box if it becomes too frightening or uncomfortable.
• Would you be willing to share this post with a person you are close to and trust, and together explore the questions, asking for honest feedback and being willing to help each other in developing an action plan to address the boxes you may discover?  

Please consider posting your struggles and successes in our comments section!

Banner Photo by Ante Harmersmit – Unsplash.com