Are you familiar with Fels-Naptha soap? I have come to realize that many younger folks have never heard of this brand of soap which was first introduced in 1893 and is still available today. My mother used it throughout my childhood and it played a starring role in one of the most transformative seeds she planted deep within my soul which still bears fruit to this day.
I don’t remember my exact age, I would guess about ten when this caring-but-direct confrontation took place. Other than my age, the majority of the details are embedded in my mind. I had a schoolmate who often suffered judgement from his peers but I had experienced as a fun and loyal friend. In the presence of my Mom, I referred to him by a nickname which some peers were calling him. She invited me to sit down at the kitchen table for a “discussion” regarding what she just heard me say!
“Repeat again the word you just used in front of your friend’s name?” she asked. I quickly responded, “I don’t remember what I said.” She granted me whatever time I needed to “recall” the word; however, I was quite confident I wouldn’t be leaving that chair until I owned the fact that I had just “fibbed”! With that realization, I reluctantly admitted, “Tubby” had been the name I’d called him by. As usual, Mom allowed adequate time and space for me to sit with and, I expect, own what was just said!
She then explained that she now had two behaviors that deeply concerned her and wondered if I could identify them? I was able to identify the behavior, my decision to use a derogatory word preceding my friend’s name. I couldn’t identify her second concern—or possibly didn’t want to! Again, a long pause ensued, awkward but highly effective! (I haven’t been able to master that technique to this day!)
Then Mom summarized briefly and concisely. You used a derogatory word preceding Teddy’s name and then when I asked you to repeat it you responded with a “fib”—your term, more accurately called a “lie”! Why did you begin using that hurtful word in front of your friend’s name?”
“Most of the other kids use it too.” Even as the words were leaving my mouth, I believe I realized that I was rapidly digging the hole deeper!
“We now have another equally important issue on the table!” Mom said before giving a concise and clear explanation as to how basing my decisions on what others were doing was a very dangerous path to go down. She then asked me to go down in the basement and bring up the bar of Fels-Naptha soap sitting on the laundry sink.
Although I’d never had any direct interaction with Fels-Naptha apart from using it for poison ivy, it was pretty obvious to me where this was headed! When I anxiously returned with the soap, Mom placed it on the table between us. “I expect by the look on your face you are anticipating me washing your mouth out with the Fels-Naptha?” she asked. “I am not,” she continued before I had a chance to respond, “but the next time you acknowledge at least to yourself that you have lied to or spoken in derogatory terms about another person, I am suggesting you yourself proceed to wash your mouth out with this soap.”
While I was still recovering from that curveball, she then strongly suggested that I wrestle with my “other kids were doing it” excuse. “Are you questioning whether or not you have the values and moral compass to make the right decision for yourself? Or are you afraid to make what you know to be the right decision for fear of other people’s responses?” Again, she just let those questions sit instead of pressing for an answer in the moment.
I am gradually coming to understand she was planting transformative seeds deep within my soul, my mind, and my heart. At the time she chose to plant the seeds she didn’t demand they sprout on her timetable, but I expect she had faith that those seeds would begin to grow and produce transformative fruits when the conditions were right.
I would love to say I was able to appreciate and implement those amazing gifts at the time Mom presented them, but that was seldom the case. However, the number of times I have chosen to revisit her implanted teachings is beyond my ability to count! Even more critical is how often my mother’s words have surfaced without any attempt on my part and just when I needed them most! I expect those unrequested interventions I have come to label at times as the work of our Sneaky God. Sometimes I wish I could have acknowledged and embraced those lessons sooner and more often, without needing reminders, but then I hear Mom whispering, celebrate the growth you have achieved and anticipate the next opportunity headed your way!
As I struggle to understand and to some very small degree attempt to cultivate healing in our present climate, I wonder and to some degree fantasize what would be the impact if we were to place a bar of Fels-Naptha soap in a highly visible location in each of our homes, classrooms, offices, court rooms, business offices, places of worship, government offices, etc. as a reminder of the challenge Mom presented to me way back then?
QUESTIONS FOR DEEPENING THE JOURNEY
- Do you ever call people derogatory names or say derogatory things about them that you would never say to their face (this can even apply to online comments about people you do not know personally)? If so, why do you think your standard of behavior changes if they are not present?
- Do you ever “let yourself off the hook” for untruths/lies by calling them fibs or little white lies? In your mind, what is the difference between a lie and a fib? Is there one?
- Does the “everyone’s doing it” explanation factor into your self-justifications for actions you know to be wrong? Do you really believe this excuses bad behavior? What subtle messages do you think this might send about yourself?
- How good are you at holding yourself accountable? If you were the one tasked at punishing yourself for transgressing your own moral standards, would you be vigilant in upholding your values or would you go easy on yourself? How do you feel about your answer?
- How do you feel about Terry’s Mom’s method of teaching, using questions and strategic silence rather than punishment? Do you believe this is effective in creating change and fostering responsibility? Is this a method you use when attempting to change someone’s mind and do you have patience to trust that what you say may only bear fruit later?
- Are there memories or lessons from your own life that you believe our Sneaky God brings to your attention when you need it? If so, what are they? Is there a recurring theme or pattern?
CHALLENGE: For one day, keep scrupulous track of your actions in terms of derogatory comments, “fibs” (a.k.a. lies), and violating your own moral standards because “everyone” else is doing it. Are there any other categories you would like to add? If you were to honestly assess yourself, how often would you need to wash your mouth out with Fels-Naptha? If you found this exercise helpful, extend it for a longer time.