If you find the theme of this post similar to others I have written over the past several years, I don’t apologize but rather alert you to the fact that I will be lifting this up time and time again! Gaining perspective has clearly been and continues to be one of the major gifts in my life journey, especially as the years continue to add up.
This time of year there seems to be an increased effort by various groups and agencies to reach out to folks who have much less than most of us. Most people I come across seem open to contributing to these various causes, but occasionally I will hear a critical comment such as, “There are folks who deserve some help, but many of them are basically lazy or unwilling to work like the rest of us had to”! That level of judgment has always confused me since we haven’t walked in their worn-out sneakers! I often think our need to judge is based on our unwillingness to step back and gain perspective on how materially blessed most of us are, thus justifying our decision to not reach out to those folks who are less fortunate than we are!
One person I discussed this topic with described it as a “necessary reality check”! I like that as well.
I have been very honored to be asked to be the auctioneer for major fund-raising events for a variety of nonprofit agencies in the area, one on an annual basis for over 25 years which I look forward to every spring. The agency’s primary focus is to support struggling families throughout the area. Several years ago, a person whom I have known for some time made a point to thank me for all my years of using my “auctioning gifts” to make this major fund raiser so successful BUT “don’t you honestly believe there are folks who show up at the food pantry who don’t really need it and are just abusing the agency’s efforts to help those in need?”
The question actually caught me quite a bit off guard. After a few moments of reflection, I said, “I expect the folks who show up are at various levels in regards to financial resources and that some may not need it to survive, however I do believe that most are struggling to make ends meet and if some are abusing the agency’s outreach, I expect that would be on them and not a reason for the agency to alter their ministry.”
Continuing to gain and maintain perspective can not only move us to a more sensitive and generous response to folks in need but at the same time helps us to embrace the reality of just how blessed we are and slow down our continual efforts to get more and more.
An experience I had over 30 years ago really crystallized the importance of this concept of gaining perspective even though it has proven to be a life-long journey to keep practicing it!
When working as a counselor at a residential treatment home for children experiencing a wide variety of challenging issues that would be difficult for anyone let alone children, I met a caseworker who had placed several children in our care. At one point she asked to meet for lunch at a restaurant to discuss some of the children she had in placement with us. It turned out she wanted to share with me that she would need to retire because she had been diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. From what I remember about that conversation, one fact that sticks out was that she never shed one tear, showed very little emotion, and talked at length about concerns for her family, while barely mentioning herself.
A few years later I received a message that she would appreciate it if I could visit her in her home. Although we had been in touch occasionally by phone, I had not seen her in person since our discussion in the restaurant. I accepted her invitation and drove to her home in the Lehigh Valley which turned out to be an enormous estate! I hadn’t realized how wealthy she was.
When I first saw her, I was astonished at how frail she looked—her health was obviously in serious decline. Over the course of the visit, it became clear that although the cancer had taken a major toll on her physical person, an even more remarkable transformation had occurred in her understanding of her life journey! She revealed that the reason she had invited me over was that she wanted to explore in more detail a topic that had come up in that lunch: my ongoing effort to embrace and integrate the concept of gaining perspective into my life journey.
While I didn’t remember that part of our conversation at all, it had apparently made quite an impact on her. She reminded me of something I had (apparently!) told her, that I have come to understand that the harder the challenges are to integrate into your approach to life is often a prime indicator as to how important they are! Terminal cancer is obviously the challenge of a lifetime.
Despite this, she seemed more relaxed and at peace than I had ever seen her. This visit was filled with all the emotions I hadn’t experienced before from her. Through her tears, she struggled to say, “learning to put what we have—especially the material things—into perspective and at the same time gaining understanding and genuine appreciation for what is really important is a gift I am more and more grateful for each day, and I obviously don’t have many days left!”
Then she told me the real reason she had invited me: to ask me to speak at her memorial service. Even though it felt a little awkward since I didn’t know her all that well and hadn’t met anyone in her family, I promised her I would consider it. When I called three days later to let her know I would honor her request, the person who answered informed me that she had passed away and then handed the phone to a family member.
I introduced myself and explained my reason for calling. A long silence ensued, then the person explained that he was her oldest son and was handling all of the funeral arrangements. Another long silence. Finally, he explained that his mother had written out all the details of her service including the fact that she had asked me to speak and that it would be very little about her but focus on the essential fact that we need to be constantly focusing on putting our lives into perspective and recognizing what is truly important. That it had been a total game changer in her ability to accept her cancer diagnosis and find peace and equanimity even as her death became imminent!
Yet another long silence. “The family decided that wouldn’t be appropriate but do appreciate your willingness to honor her request.” Another very long silence while I digested what he just said and then to develop a response.
“In one aspect I am relieved because I obviously never met any of her family,” I said, “but I also feel sorry for you and your family that you all chose not to honor her last request and I fear one day you will regret that decision. I will be remembering all of you in my prayers as you grieve the loss and I trust celebrate the life of this amazing lady.”
Although I wasn’t able to share the message with her friends and family as she had wished, it certainly made a lasting impression on me. I suspect it was the Sneaky God at work again in my journey. While I have had a few major events in my life that required me to step back and gain perspective as best I could, my appreciation of the importance of that same approach with the “littler issues” I face each day and the overall difference it can have on both myself and those around me continues to deepen even after all these years!
QUESTIONS FOR DEEPENING THE SPIRITUAL JOURNEY
- What does “gaining perspective” mean to you?
- Does it bother you to see “undeserving” people receiving help? Why or why not? What makes someone deserving? Might you feel differently if you had walked a mile in their shoes (or sneakers!)?
- Think of the things in the past week or two that have gotten under your skin. In the grand scheme of things, were they really very important? In the case of “bigger” issues and major stressors, how might stepping back to look at the big picture help you deal with even them?
- How much does affluence/prosperity figure into your happiness? Are you satisfied with your level of material success? Does this change when you consider that even the “poor” in America are richer than 70% of people worldwide?
- If you were suddenly to receive a terminal cancer diagnosis, how do you think it would reorder your priorities? What would become less important? How about more important? Is there a reason you shouldn’t live by those priorities now?
- What do you think might cause someone to resist the message to put their lives into perspective? Do you have any feelings of resistance yourself? Explain.
- How do your spiritual beliefs shape and inform your assessment of the “big picture”?
Thanks for the repetition. It is an objective we all should always keep in mind. It is always easy to look at someone and decide how well off they are, but you have no idea of the reality. So, if they are there asking for a handout, just know they must need it.