This post was written after a request from a client to share a simple but transformative technique I’ve called the three L’s which I introduced to her years ago and she continues to use on a regular basis. It can be applied to basically any life experience, positive or negative, but I find it most helpful in those that we ourselves or someone else may have labeled as a “failure”.
The first L is “Look closely.”
Since failure is such an unpleasant experience, our immediate instinct is to immediately push it aside or try to forget it entirely. However, if you do this, you will miss all the gold that it has to offer you. Failure often holds the best opportunities for growth we have because it’s custom-made for us! It’s chock full of healthy information we won’t get any other way. As Thomas Edison famously said, “I haven’t failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work”!
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This brings us to the second L: “Learn from.”
Looking closely at the experience doesn’t just mean reliving it or succumbing to regrets or self-judgment, instead, we can explore it completely for the purpose of learning why it ended up the way it did. Get curious! What did you do? What did you miss? Is there a particular point where things began to go off the rails? What could you have done differently that might have led to a better outcome? How does this compare to other similar experiences you have had – it is a pattern or a one-off? We can discover a wealth of data that can radically enhance our journey if we have the courage to begin to apply it as we move forward. This part of the process becomes easier over time when we realize the amazing transformative potential it holds for us.
Which brings us to the third L , which represents our need to “Let go.”
Our “mistakes” or “failures”, if not faced, owned, and tuned into growth and healing events can quickly undermine and contaminate our total life journey. But, at the same time, if we continue to hold on to them once they have been thoroughly tapped for every bit of wisdom they can teach, that also can weigh us down and warp our journey. Being able to discern when to reflect and when to release is a delicate process that I continue to refine in my own life, and sometimes even when I believe the time has come to let go, actually doing it can be a challenge! However, I have found that if I have the courage to embrace the first two L’s with openness and commitment, the third becomes much easier!
I can’t begin to count the times I’ve seen this process work wonders in the lives of my clients and my own life. One example that springs to mind was a mother whose adult daughter had cut off all contact a few years earlier, which created guilt, shame, anger, and a fear of never having a relationship with her daughter again. These overwhelming feelings drove “a growing depression like I never imagined possible.” When her daughter gave birth to twins she was not allowed to see, this escalated her depression and became the driving factor for her to seek professional help beyond the medications she was prescribed.
When I explained the three L’s to this hurting lady, she immediately grabbed onto the concept in a powerful way, which may be why it sticks out in my memory. She invested immensely in both initial L’s and it was in the second step and the self-learning she discovered there when I suggested she invite her daughter into a joint session.
She offered the invitation several times with no success. Eventually she gave me permission to contact her daughter and offer her a free individual consultation without her. After a lengthy discussion, the daughter reluctantly agreed so she could “educate you on my take of my childhood and adolescence”!
The daughter arrived with an attitude and an extensive written list of her mother’s failures!
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I affirmed her for her courage to attend the session and listen carefully to her list, taking notes myself. After she finished the list, I took a few moments to review some of the notes and simply said, “Your list seems both accurate and consistent with the list of behaviors your mother wants to change regardless of your decision regarding her request to revisit and heal your relationship.”
The daughter was totally shocked and stared at me in disbelief. Then she buried her head in her hands and began to cry with what I came to understand was relief! She agreed to three joint sessions and the healing process began! Eventually, the grandmother began helping with childcare for the twins. It was heartwarming and life-affirming to see how restoring her relationship with her daughter and developing new relationships with “two bundles of joy” was able to begin healing the depression and eliminate the need for the medications! It was also interesting for me to note that it was my client who raised the possibility that this Sneaky God may have had a hand in helping initiate the healing process!
The power of the three L’s can’t be overestimated, and its application is basically unlimited— failure or success, large or small, nothing is outside its purview. Indeed, I have found it extremely helpful with the small, daily issues which if not owned and addressed can quickly become cumulative. With all that practice, I’m finding it somewhat easier to name my issues these days, even if I haven’t detected any noticeable decrease in the number of opportunities I have to use it!
QUESTIONS FOR DEEPENING THE JOURNEY
- Without necessarily calling it the three L’s, do you sometimes already utilize these principles in your life? Might labeling them help you implement them on a more regular basis?
- What questions might you ask yourself after a success, rather than a failure, to learn from it?
- What are the biggest lessons you have learned from failure? From success?
- Is there a failure or mistake in your life that didn’t teach you anything? Why do you believe that is? Do you think there are gifts there that you have just “failed” to unwrap?
- How are you at letting go once you have thoroughly mined an experience of its gold? Would classifying that as the appropriate time to put it behind you help you to do so?
CHALLENGE: In the next week, pick three experiences to which you can apply the three L’s. They can be challenges you encounter during the week or you can use it with a past experience that you did not fully work through at the time.
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