Forgiveness

“Forgiveness is a reflection of loving yourself enough to move on.”  —  Steve Maraboli

When I read that quote, it immediately jumped out at me and wouldn’t let me go. Even though I’ve dealt with forgiveness in a big way both personally and professionally, I’d never thought about it quite like that before. 

Certainly over my fifty years as a counselor, forgiveness is something I’ve seen patients struggle with time and again. I’ve been blessed to be in a position to see both the deep and far-reaching ramifications of not forgiving, but also the profound freedom and peace experienced by those who are able to let go of the wounds they have suffered.

One of the most common situations involves an affair, an extramarital relationship which violated the marital vows. Couples who decide to try to rebuild the marriage usually embark on a deliberate journey of forgiveness, but if one or both decide the marriage is over and are attempting to move forward with their own life, forgiveness is still a critical issue.

In cases where the betrayed partner had decided the marriage was over and there was no reason to “work on” forgiving their ex-spouse, I would explore with them their reasoning and what the consequences of that decision were to them, not their spouse. Some questions I might ask include:

• How long ago did this affair take place and how long do you plan on holding off on forgiving your former spouse?
• Does your former spouse accept responsibility for the affair or does he/she see it in part or totally your fault? Do you need them to accept responsibility for you to forgive them? If so, why?
• How has withholding forgiveness, regardless of the circumstances, served you in your own life journey and, more specifically, in your healing and effort to move on?
• Do you believe by withholding your forgiveness you are punishing or getting back at your former spouse in any way? Who do you believe you are hurting most by not forgiving?

Photo by Vitaly Gariev in Unsplash.com

Invariably we would find that regardless on the impact on the spouse, not forgiving was harming them and impeding their ability to move on.

Another large set of cases involved family estrangement where one member had done something that the rest of the family considered “wrong” and they were shamed, rejected, and sometimes cut off completely. Not infrequently the decision to not forgive is based on the family’s religious beliefs, or at least that’s how they have chosen to justify their decision.

In one situation that sticks in my memory, a family was fractured when the son became engaged to a woman who had an abortion in college and as a result of the abortion could no longer have children. His parents explained to their son that she was being punished by God for her sins and consequently he would never be able to be a “real father” because of her sins!

When the son later entered therapy with me to treat his depression, he was quite angry and stated he would never be able to forgive his parents for how they treated and judged his then-wife! His anger and his guilt for bringing his wife and their newly adopted son into this “dysfunctional” family system was the primary force driving his depression. 

Once we were able to include his wife in the sessions, she brought a game-changing perspective. “Your parents are extremely insecure, worshiping a very judgmental and unforgiving God.,” she said. “We have left the door open if they choose to work at reuniting our family.   However, we can’t allow their judgmental and unforgiving God to block out our unconditional loving God! We need to love ourselves and our new son enough to understand and forgive your parents.”

In a follow-up session, I asked the young man, “Why do you think you, consciously or unconsciously, choose to hold onto the ‘unforgiving card’?” I can still picture him sitting in my office, bent over and holding his head between his hands. He sat like that several minutes before responding.

“I think I honestly believed it gave me some control over my parents and felt good to break away from their very controlling parental style! It also felt like an opportunity to punish them for how they judged and treated my wife. It seemed counterintuitive to accept that forgiving my parents, whether or not they took ownership, would be a key component in addressing the anger and guilt that is driving my depression.”

Photo by Simon Humler on Unsplash.com

This is a classic example of learning from those we are called to help! After so many years of witnessing such profound insights and wisdom from my clients and also making significant progress in my own life in terms of forgiveness (often talking with the person directly when possible, putting the incident in perspective, etc.), it came as a surprise that this simple quote hit me so hard. 

However, I realized that there are two situations in my life in which I’m still wrestling with forgiveness. Both involve long-time close friends, both of whom died following a terminal diagnosis before we were able to put things right. One I learned afterwards from his wife didn’t want anyone close to him to know of the diagnosis and the other talked very briefly on the phone but would not allow me to visit!  Both had been two of my closest friends over the years!

In the first case, our friendship had been impacted significantly when I felt obligated to challenge my friend to revisit a decision he had made regarding a member of his family that I felt he would regret. He basically shut down on that topic and after that, it felt like our relationship was never quite the same. 

The other friendship was much different. This friend asked me to accompany him through some very difficult and challenging times which I felt honored to be asked to do. However, afterwards, he shared that he was embarrassed and ashamed of what he had revealed. I understood his feelings having been there several times myself and tried to share some similar experiences I had faced which could “level the playing field” but it didn’t feel like he could hear me. He then pulled back from any type of communication except for one very brief email in which he stated he needed his space. 

In one case not finding out he was dying until after his death and in the other basically being totally shut out even when I was pleading to visit left me with many questions and confusion. My feelings ran the gamut and often left me feeling angry, at times at them and at other times at myself. 

In attempting to make some sense of what was happening, the first route I took was guilt, a fairly consistent starting point for me! In both cases I over analyzed the situation. Was it something I did? Something I didn’t do? Did I say or imply a sense of judgment? Did I unknowingly come across as critical? I became obsessed with the question of “why?” and carried it with me on both a conscious and unconscious level to the extent it was taking a toll on me physically and emotionally!

My live-in mentor and life partner began her pattern of asking me self-reflective questions, such as, “What else could you have done to resolve this?” and “If they misunderstood something you did or said, what was your intention?” She is a master at helping me gain perspective!

Even so, I felt like if I could just understand what happened, then I could get closure and finally move on. I turned it over and over in my mind and even came up with plans to talk to my friends’ family members to try to get more insight! It was still taking up significant real estate in my mind.

Then I came across—or was sent—the statement I started this post with: “Forgiveness is a reflection of loving yourself enough to move on!” I realized that this could well include the other person(s) or may very well be forgiving oneself. Did I love myself enough to forgive both my friends and myself, and move on, and if so, how could I do that?

I decided I had to reexamine what I thought I “needed” to bring closure. I may never figure out the answer to the “why” question. If I insist upon understanding what happened before I can move on and I never get that, then what? The question becomes: Can I forgive and move on without understanding?

I also believe this Sneaky God is the Master Forgiver and wants us to follow in her footsteps as much as we are capable of doing! Instead of focusing on figuring out what happened, I started concentrating on letting go.

I began to deliberately and intentionally switch my attention to appreciating the long, deep relationships I had with both men and the many, many amazing times we shared instead of the way things ended. Each time I would be tempted to ruminate, I would redirect my thoughts to a happier memory—and with these characters, believe me when I say I have a boatload to choose from! Though painful, the final chapter of our journey together did not erase nor negate the wonderful times or friendship we had. 

When I was finally able to make this shift, I can’t covey in words the freedom I experienced! I felt like a hundred-pound weight had been taken off my shoulders. I honestly don’t believe we can fully appreciate the toll those unresolved issues can take on us. I will always wish things had ended differently, but today I can fully and unreservedly appreciate the gift of my two friends’ presence in my life.

QUESTIONS FOR DEEPENING THE SPIRITUAL JOURNEY

1. Are there any people in your life you have been unable to forgive? (Note: forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation or re-establishing a relationship; it just means letting go of the negative emotions toward the person who has hurt you.) If so, what has been holding you back?
2. What consequences do you notice in yourself when you are carrying an unresolved relationship around with you, including physical, mental, emotional and spiritual costs?
3. Do you sometimes hold back on forgiving because you feel you are punishing the other person and they shouldn’t be allowed to “get away” with what they’ve done? Does withholding your forgiveness often work in getting them to recognize the error of their ways?
4. Are there things (like the other person apologizing/taking responsibility or you understanding what happened) that you think you “need” before being able to let it go and move on?
5. What will happen if you don’t or can’t get what you think you need in order to move on? Could it be that you should re-examine what you believe you need? Is there anything you actually truly need in order to forgive?
6. Are there relationships you have erased from your store of happy memories because they did not end well? Is it possible to preserve the good despite the fact they ended or the way they ended, to be grateful for what was even if it didn’t last forever?
7. How does forgiveness figure in to your faith/moral belief system?

Banner Photo by Alex Shute