I recently came across a statement that stuck in this bald-headed, aging knot which seldom quiets, for better or worse!
“Do not be dismayed by the brokenness of the world. And all things can be mended. Not with time, as they say, but with intention. So go. Love intentionally, extravagantly, unconditionally. The broken world waits in darkness for the light that is you.” ~ L. R. Knost
This quote—especially in the context of the escalating discord in this amazing country in which we are blessed to call home—gave me a sense of hope but at the same time the last sentence placed the responsibility squarely on my shoulders, “The broken world waits in darkness for the light that is you”! Really?
I expect Knost isn’t speaking to me individually but rather to each of us individually!
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I don’t feel our country “waits in darkness” but I am experiencing a growing division that is dividing friendships, marriages, families, communities and our country which needs to be acknowledged and addressed.
I do believe that being an agent of restoration and reconciliation is a desire this Sneaky God wants for each of us and the healing must begin with those of us who are committed to mending the brokenness of our world. Reflecting on Knost’s three directives separately is the only way I could begin to embrace his transformative challenge.
The first directive—intentionally—makes sense to me since I’m not sure most of us choose to make healing a priority in our daily lives. As a mental health therapist for over fifty years, I’m convinced most healthy changes begin with a commitment to be intentional! Obviously, we will each need to design our own action plan based on a wide variety of factors such as our individual personalities, age, living arrangements, comfortableness taking risks, etc.
For me personally, intentionality has become central to our transition as our living environment and circumstances changed drastically this past September when Rita and I moved into a diverse, over-55 total life care community of over 2600 folks from over 40 states and several different countries!
Living this close to folks who are different from us in many ways can be challenging and at the same time a unique opportunity. My initial action plan is to explore and acknowledge the variety of differences that exist and to identify two or three I will intentionally work on.
The first challenge for me personally is to actually listen to the other person. Listen for both what they are verbalizing and what they are consciously or unconsciously not saying. At first, this proved difficult for me since I talk far too much! How and why that pattern developed over time (because it wasn’t always present), is material for another post or possibly even a book!
However, the longer I’ve made a point to intentionally connect with people who are dissimilar to me, I’m finding less and less need to use duct tape in order to keep my mouth shut! I’m realizing the life stories of others and how and why they may feel quite differently than I do about a variety of important issues are too fascinating to miss.
The openness and receptivity I’ve discovered when I honestly try to understand (and not change) someone else has also been surprising and gratifying. I also expect when we gift another person with our time—an increasingly rare commodity—we are indirectly making a statement that we value them. This alone has created very fertile ground for healing!
One tip I’ve found useful as I implement my action plan is that sometimes I need to inject a few questions such as “interesting, how did you arrive at that conclusion?” or “if you are willing (I changed from comfortable to
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willing) tell me more about that.” Some folks respond easily while others are obviously suspicious of my question. However, interestingly, some folks have honestly replied, “I’m not sure” or “I really don’t know”!
Following such a response I simply admit that I also don’t fully know myself how I arrived at some of the strong opinions I have but find it intriguing and helpful to wrestle with that. On some rare occasions this has led to very interesting dialogue that at some level felt healing— at least for me!
The second directive is to love extravagantly! To be totally honest, this dictate puzzled me at first. As is my habit, I looked it up and as I wrestled with the last definition, “to a large degree and with extreme feeling,” I was reminded of something one of my favorite writers of all time, Leo Tolstoy, said.
At one point he wrote, “If you feel pain you are alive. But if you feel the pain of others, you’re human.” This is extremely challenging for me (and I expect for most of us), yet it could be foundational in creating and facilitating healing!
Each of us carries some level of pain driven by fear, guilt, anger, one form of abuse or another, etc. yet how often are we able to set our agenda aside and genuinely listen to the other person and opening up the possibility of feeling just a small portion of their pain? I expect this could create more healing potential than we can imagine and in the process, we become more human!
On occasion when I manage to allow myself to feel another’s person’s pain it has put me in touch with an aspect of my own repressed pain. A difficult but potentially a self-healing gift which, if I can gather the courage to address, will ultimately not just heal myself but increase my potential to feeling the pain of another. Now we have begun to create a self-feeding healing cycle!
Knost’s third and final instruction is to love unconditionally. For me this is a life-long challenge that has proven at times to be extremely difficult but often in direct proportion to the potential gifts, unimaginable blessings and self-healing I didn’t imagine was present!
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The best way that I have begun to understand the importance of loving and celebrating another person unconditionally is to continually reflect on the unconditional love I have received. I am beyond blessed to have been experiencing that unconditional love for over 52 years from my wife Rita, who knows all of my faults and weaknesses better than any other person.
I have also come to realize that my struggles to offer unconditional love to others is connected to unprocessed issues of my own! This then has the potential to allow me to possibly accept and love myself more fully! The more self-acceptance I can experience the more I am capable of loving others unconditionally! Another self-feeding healing cycle! Hopefully you, too, have experienced at least a taste of unconditional love that you can hold in your mind to recall its potency. For those of us without a direct, personal encounter, many faith traditions can be another powerful way to identify an unconditional love experience or an unconditional lover. For Christians, it could certainly be Jesus.
Now, one last thing regarding the practical implementation of this challenge: the rule of 100:
If you spend 100 hours a year in any discipline (which is only 18 minutes a day), you’ll be better than 95% of the world in that discipline.
Consistency is everything!
Truthfully, I have no desire to be better than 95% of the world in much of anything at this point but I am committed to nurturing healing in any way that I possibly can. If you are willing to join me on this healing journey and have experiences or suggestions that might facilitate our shared healing journey, please consider sharing them in the comments following my post.
Thank you!
QUESTIONS FOR DEEPENING THE SPIRITUAL JOURNEY
- Do you see increasing discord and division within our country? If so, do you have a desire to become a healing agent? If so, how? If not, why not?
- Have you experienced this division personally? If so, have you attempted to address it? How did that go?
- Do you have anyone in your life who genuinely and consistently listens to you? How does that make you feel?
- Do you struggle with genuinely listening (not just being quiet) to others? If this is a struggle for you, do you understand why?
- Reflect on the statement, “If you feel pain you are alive. But if you feel the pain of others, you’re human.” What does that bring up for you?
- What is your experience with unconditional love?
- Does your chosen faith tradition or belief system enhance your ability to love others unconditionally, even those who are different? How or how not?
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As usual, you’ve touched a few nerves…in a good way but still, lots to ponder. I too share a growing dismay at the hateful rhetoric being espoused almost daily. Hateful and sadly it appears to be embraced. Maybe we’ve always been this way deep down but I choose to think not. I still have this fundamental belief in the basic good of mankind so being intentional in seeking that is priority # 1. Listening and I mean really listening to others is a great albeit hard and necessary step. Love extravagantly—-this, this is a hard one for me. Sometimes I find it difficult… Read more »
Terry,
Glad to hear you and Rita are moved in and getting to know your 2,600 neighbors. And you won’t need to travel the world to meet such a diverse population.I enjoyed your latest blog and the thoughts it brings about.
Thanks for yet another challenging, and thoughtful piece. Glad to hear you and Rita are adjusting to living in a 55+ community. Hope you both have a very Merry Christmas, My feeling is God is at work in our nation’s future as he was at it’s founding, and things will improve.