Before I get to this month’s post, I would like to express my gratitude that it even exists! After several weeks of struggling with various major life changes and challenges, I had decided I was too tired and overwhelmed to write a post this month.
Then I received messages—one from my childhood friend Dave and the other from a newer acquaintance named Tracey—thanking me for the blog and urging me to “keep up the good work.”
Those two notes unknowingly motivated me to rethink my decision! Could it be that Sneaky God nudging me yet again through my friends’ encouragement? It wouldn’t surprise me one bit.
So I went ahead and wrote the post and (as you can see!) here it is! The topic is happiness. I believe this is one of the most universal desires that we have in today’s world.
However, in discussing this as a possible topic with a variety of people, it became crystal clear that happiness means quite different things to different folks. The responses included being able to buy our own home, losing twenty pounds, moving closer to grandchildren, finding a potential partner who appreciates me “just as I am” (this one was accompanied by a sudden burst of tears), and “finding a cure for my daughter’s cancer before we lose her.”
For some reason I didn’t expect this level of emotional energy in the diversity of responses; this in itself provided me with a lot of data to process! Two dynamics jumped out as I continued to mull over much more diverse and interesting data than I originally anticipated.
First, we often, consciously or unconsciously, decide that we will be happy “when this or that happens.” Unfortunately, this decision often prevents us from fully living into the present and hampers us from acknowledging, embracing, and celebrating the potential happiness right before us. I have found myself caught in this unhealthy pattern more often than I would like to admit.
Recognizing that we can be happy in the present doesn’t mean we have to accept our current circumstances and give up on accomplishing our goals. Quite the opposite! In fact, developing and implementing an action plan as to how we might address the issue before us is actually easier when we have the maximum amount of energy available to us than when we refuse to be happy now to use happiness as a carrot to propel us forward.
Of course, there are some “happiness conditions”—like a terminal illness diagnosis or an unwanted divorce—that we have no ability to change. The common prescription in those cases is, “If you can’t do anything about it then let it go. Don’t be a prisoner to the things you can’t change!”
However, this can be easier said than done. I have found that even in cases where you have little control over the painful situation, attempting to find something—often rather minor— that you can do which makes it even a bit easier can significantly improve your state of mind.
A father I was counseling for increasing depression was struggling to accept the reality that his middle daughter, with three school-aged children, was diagnosed with a rare terminal cancer. He would break down in my office and repeat, “if only I could die in her place!” We discussed his daughter’s main concern, that her children would not be able to afford college and make a better life for themselves.
I challenged him to identify three action steps which he had control over and could do now. He quickly identified the following: donate to some specific research that was being conducted to explore a possible cure and write letters to four politicians encouraging them to identify funding to support the research.
Lastly, he decided to address his daughter’s biggest concern, her children’s future. He arranged a family planning meeting to explore options to establish financial resources so any of her three children would be able to attend college if they chose to. Both of her siblings supported their father’s efforts and encouraged him to include all three of her children as equal recipients in his will.
As the father began doing what he could do he was much more able to accept what he had no control over. None of this is easy and one size does not fit all but often rather than where we are, the most important element to our health and healing is the direction we are moving in!
It’s crucial we don’t just see this approach as only applying to the big issues we face in our life journey, but actually begin applying it to the smaller issues we face each day. If we can exercise it in less threatening and potentially less life-changing issues, we have a much better chance of implementing it successfully when it “matters” more. It’s kinda like attending practices in preparation for the actual games!
I tried applying this approach at various points each day over the last several weeks when I began to feel totally overwhelmed throughout this entire relocating process. One good example for me is losing things, something that seems to be happening more and more for some reason!
In the moving process, I packed my pickleball backpack in a safe and easy accessible location (I thought) so I could begin playing on the indoor court asap. I looked everywhere three or four times with no success. I had my paddle for a few years and became very comfortable with it. Losing it—especially when I had gone out of my way to safeguard its location—was beyond annoying! My frustration was clearly causing me to miss out on the many other opportunities to experience happiness as we began settling into our brand-new community.
It was time to listen to my own advice! I had to develop an action plan to put this behind me; first I rechecked everywhere it could possibly be, then I went ahead and ordered a new paddle! Even though it wouldn’t be the paddle I was accustomed to, at least if I don’t play as well as I would like now, I can blame it on the new paddle! It was quite obvious to both Rita and I that once I made this shift, I was more pleasant, present, and able to live into the moment!
One of the things I’ve noticed as we’ve started settling into our new continuing care community is how this dynamic plays out in relation to one of the most inescapable realities we as a society wrestle with, often referred to as aging!
Although aging is, in a certain sense, outside our control, the responses to it run an entire spectrum. I have and continue to meet folks who are “young” chronologically but “aging” rapidly! I also continue to meet “elders” who will never be old in spirit. It actually all depends on our attitude and overall response to this amazing gift of a life journey we have been entrusted with.
Some folks aren’t at all happy with any stage of their life journey for a variety of reasons including health limitations, feeling lonely or isolated often because of the loss of their life partner. They may make statements such as, “It’s all downhill from here!” For some of these folks, happiness is “moving on” (dying) so they “can be with their loved ones again” or “get to rest in the loving arms of God”!
Unfortunately, they don’t feel able to experience happiness in the present and find it difficult to imagine being able to experience God’s loving embrace in this life before entering eternity. It’s very important here to understand I am in no way judging these folks who shared with me since I am not in their shoes; however, I am struggling to see it differently and for myself to look for happiness in the present.
Others are attempting to control this aging process by focusing on the external aspects. I have met folks who have had a variety of cosmetic surgeries, folks who have hair removed from places where they didn’t have hair before and folks who have had hair implants! I hesitate to imagine what that would involve and cost in my case!
I guess some would believe these cosmetic modifications are effective ways of controlling the aging process and I do myself attempt to impact the quality of our life by eating healthier and exercising on a regular basis, but I prefer to focus on attitude and experiences more than the visible signs of age. Like the 92 year old in our beginners mountain dulcimer class! Rosa seems to be able to experience happiness quite easily. I only hope I’m as excited as she is about learning something new for the remainder of my journey!
I do believe that at any age and in any circumstances, we have the ability to live into the moment and that a wide variety of opportunities to experience happiness surround us each new day. I also strongly believe that our Sneaky God is ever-present and walks beside us on our journey toward the happiness we are designed for!
Banner photo by Josh Felise
