I was steaming mad! I had been sitting our “grand dog”, Arnie, while our youngest son and his family were visiting Yellowstone for two weeks and while we were on a walk, I had accidentally stepped in a non-harvested pile of some other dog’s poop! Cleaning that “poop” (my internal dialogue at the time used a different word!) from the treads on my sneakers left me quite angry at someone I didn’t even know! Who was it that didn’t take the time to pick up after their dog? How could they be so thoughtless and inconsiderate???
As a mental health professional for over 50 years, I know well the toll unresolved anger can take on us. In my last post, I talked about the importance of forgiveness to release us from the toxic, corrosive effects of repressed negative emotions which can lead to depression and even disease. When we think of scenarios that require forgiveness, we may automatically think about the “big” things: relationship-ending fights, abandonment, betrayals, violence, abuse.
But smaller situations that produce anger (or any negative emotion) left unaddressed can quickly become cumulative and gradually begin eroding various aspects of our mental, physical, relational, and emotional health just as surely as the “bigger” ones we carry.
I’m beginning to explore ways of freeing myself up from that anger and frustration, and developing responses that may cultivate health and growth instead. I decided to see this as a valuable self-growth opportunity/project and try applying some of the same techniques I use in therapy to it.
The first step is recognizing and acknowledging what happened and naming the unhealthy feelings it is creating. This may seem obvious, but if you really stop and look, you won’t believe how many times we get triggered but then ignore it and “stuff” the feelings out of our conscious awareness. If you are anything like me, this happens multiple times every day!
In my example, not only did The Great Dog Poop Incident create anger and judgment toward the unknown “inconsiderate” owner, but also anger at and disappointment in myself and a sprinkling of guilt for moving so easily to judging others. That surely is a toxic mix!
Next is to make a decision to use that negative situation as the catalyst for something positive, and then to develop an action plan. Although acknowledging the issue is helpful in and of itself, acting on it is even more healing! In this case, I decided to pick up not just Arnie’s poo, but all the orphaned piles I saw along the way. (Note: I am not necessarily suggesting you begin this practice since it does cause folks to look at you strangely and possibly avoid you in the future!)
When coming up with an action plan, keep in mind that the action does not have to “solve” the problem—or even be related to it! I could have decided to burn off my emotions with a gym visit or game of pickleball. What’s important is working off that toxic emotional energy by converting the negative into a positive. It also doesn’t need to be anything big or time-consuming. Maybe it’s as small as just smiling at a stranger or thanking a service worker for their help. Anything to reverse that emotional funk!
Our youngest’s family has returned from vacation and Arnie is back home. I’m not dog walking anymore but I am out on campus several times most days and still on the lookout for unharvested piles. As an unexpected bonus, a couple of people have expressed curiosity at my “unconventional” new habit, which has sparked some very interesting conversations (and even this very post, which was suggested by one such enquirer!).
This seems to happen more often than not: when I’ve attempted to convert a feeling that I was uncomfortable with and felt was unhealthy into a more positive and healthy experience, at times it has taken me out of my comfort zone, but it has regularly opened up opportunities in relationships and personal growth that I could never have anticipated. I suspect these are openings for our Sneaky God to bless us yet again in amazing ways!
Another example of this happened recently when Rita and I were visiting a new church as part of our search for a worshipping community that will nurture and challenge each of us in our faith journey and evolving God relationship. During the socializing time following worship, I noticed a young man in his thirties, clearly disabled and in a wheelchair, sitting by himself while several small groups were mingling in the vestibule.
I instantly began assessing and judging this community which I knew nothing about. Why aren’t folks reaching out and making an effort to include him? I wondered. However, over the years I’ve learned that judgment of others is not only frequently inaccurate and always divisive, but often shines light on a potential growth opportunity for myself.
Realizing this, one of the self-challenges I have been using when appropriate is to actually do what I began judging others for not doing. This hasn’t worked out the way I hoped every single time; however, it has opened up amazing possibilities so often that I keep it as one of my go-to options and in this case, it was pure gold!
When I went over and introduced myself to the young man, I immediately felt a connection and relationship potential. He told me he was fairly new to the community and was (contrary to my judgments!) finding it quite inclusive. The pastor herself was providing transportation from his apartment thus addressing one of his biggest challenges in attending worship. This is one church leader who is really walking the talk! As he shared more of his life journey, I quickly realized I was in the company of a very courageous survivor from whom I could learn a lot.
As per usual, when I made a conscious choice to turn a negative into a positive, the blessings were not far behind. I not only learned that my judgments had (fortunately) been wrong, but also discovered a potential new friend! So for anyone thinking about attempting an “adjustment project” of their own, my advice is this: be brave and creative while preparing for the unpredictable gifting of our Sneaky God!
QUESTIONS FOR DEEPENING THE SPIRITUAL JOURNEY
- Think back on the last day or two. How many times did you get triggered by something big or small, but quickly “stuffed” the negative emotions it provoked? (Note: this may happen so quickly and automatically, you may not even realize you’ve done it!)
- Do you think repressing emotions has a harmful effect on your overall wellness? Why or why not?
- If you could go back in time, what realistic, do-able action plans could you have come up with for each of the events you listed for Question #1?
- What emotions other than anger do you tend to repress? Guilt? Shame? Fear? Anxiety? Grief?
- Shock is another emotional reaction we may experience regularly (even if only as witnesses to violence, not direct victims) without even being aware of it. How much violence and hostility do you see on a daily basis (including through the media)? Do you think this affects you? (Kaethe Weingarten’s book, Common Shock: Witnessing Violence Every Day, is a good resource for those interested in learning more about this.)
- What transformative potential do you see for using negative experiences to create positive actions? Do you think it can help dissipate the negative emotions triggered by the event? Why or why not? Do you detect a spiritual element in this process?
- Can you remember a situation in your own life where you consciously made a choice to do something constructive with the anger/pain/shock you were feeling? What was that experience like? Did you recognize any gifts from it?