I seldom hear anyone mention the word ‘forgive’ in conversation and that includes myself. I do repeat it several times during weekly worship, including the Lord’s Prayer, but honestly do not give thought to what I am saying.
Choosing to forgive someone is often difficult, challenging, and complicated. We may not want to forgive for a number of reasons. We might withhold forgiveness because it gives us control over the person or persons who caused the hurt. We may feel that forgiving implies that what was done was okay, that forgiveness requires repentance from the offender, or that it demands that the relationship be re-established.
None of these is true. Forgiveness means letting go of the anger and resentment you are carrying and doesn’t depend on the other person acknowledging their wrongdoing, asking for your forgiveness, or “deserving” it. It doesn’t even always mean sharing the fact with the other person or reconciling with them going forward.
Essentially forgiveness is about setting ourselves free. Our inability or unwillingness to forgive can, to varying degrees, have a negative impact on all ten areas of our wellbeing (which I encourage you to check out in the Total Wellness series of posts beginning September 2022).
In thinking over forgiveness during my morning reflection/prayer time, three incidents came to mind, one I had been carrying around and holding unto for several years!
One was a close college friend who gradually chose to distance himself over the last few years over a perceived difference in our political views. I say perceived because we basically hadn’t discussed politics, fearing it might hurt a friendship we both seemed to appreciate.
I decided to reach out first through text and then a phone call, but neither produced a response. Then I carefully composed a letter basically asking if I had done anything to offend him or to help me understand why he withdrew from our friendship. Once again, I received nothing in return.
Then, about a week later, I received a brief text from his wife, “It isn’t on you Terry, he has shut out several of our good friends who he feels are ‘against him politically.’” Apparently our friendship was yet another causality of the increasing pain, conflict and division within families, friendships, communities, and our nation as a whole are experiencing over political differences.
It took the text to remind me that slights are often not personal and may have little to do with anything we have said, done, or been. Remembering that allowed me to let this one go, at least to some degree.
I did send him a brief message, “I forgive you for choosing to shut me out even though I don’t understand why. If at any point you want to work at reestablishing our friendship just let me know and I will be there!” It has now been months and I haven’t heard from him, but the door stays open and I’m not carrying the emotional load that I was.
Photo by Lex Sirikiat – Unsplash.com
The second one is a recent incident with a newer friend. I had made some financial decisions based on information he gave me. I passed along the information to another friend who had the courage to confront me with its inaccuracy. I immediately asked for his forgiveness and promised to back track to the original source of my information and get back to him. I did some additional research and quickly confirmed that I had been lied to!
I invited my newer friend for a cup of coffee. He listened to my concern and how I felt about the fact that he had lied to me. I also shared how his lie put me in a very awkward and embarrassing situation with my other friend.
When I finished, he became very quiet and then rather emotional. Eventually he explained that he often felt inadequate, uneducated, and to some degree less of a person, especially when he is around persons he perceives as more intelligent and as having more education. As I listened to his story it became clear that a lot of this was based on the fact that he was the only one in his family and amongst most of his friends that didn’t go to college.
“You graduated from three colleges and I never attended one!” he said. “When I find myself in these situations, which seems to be quite often, I attempt to compensate. I have a pattern of acting and talking like I know much more about a subject than I really do. In other words, I begin lying and often digging a deeper and deeper hole for myself which I can’t get out of. This then only makes me feel worse than before!” After a long pause, he added, “Damn, it actually feels good to admit this out loud to someone!”
We just sat quietly for a few moments. “Actually I’m glad you confronted me today because I had an opportunity to actually admit to myself and to you what I have been doing in a variety of ways for a long time. Maybe now I can begin to deal with it before I lose even more friends!”
First, I assured him he wasn’t going to lose this friend! Once he chose to risk being vulnerable and I better understood his struggles, I was no longer upset with him and forgiveness came easily. In fact, forgiveness became almost irrelevant and my focus shifted to how I could support him, as I had been supported in my life journey.
I decided to share with him how I have attempted to compensate for my own real or perceived areas of inadequacies over the years going back to my childhood. I shared with him how inadequate I felt academically when I started at Williamson and how my efforts to cover up and compensate didn’t work very well. Fortunately, I had a housemother, Mom Jones, who supported me and assured me I had what it took to graduate. Without her, who knows where I would have ended up.
I then told him that I felt the courage he just displayed in owning his behavior was a rare gift which will serve him well in his life journey. “You have my forgiveness; now your biggest challenge is to forgive yourself.”
This was a huge learning experience for me, showing that sensitively confronting and forgiving someone who has offended me in some way has relationship and healing potential that is beyond our understanding! Once again, I felt that Sneaky God at work!
The third instance, which I have been carrying around way too long, involves a former employee of many years ago who became angry at me for an administrative decision I made. This person distorted the facts and then proceeded to badmouth me to a wide variety of folks within the workplace and then the larger community!
When someone I hired and trusted intentionally attempted to diminish my reputation and credibility with false information, it made me quite angry. What was especially frustrating was the fact that I really couldn’t counter the lies without doing the same thing he was doing: badmouthing him to others. It was tempting to justify this behavior by telling myself what he was saying wasn’t true but I was speaking the truth so it’s really not the same. Still, it was a trap I didn’t want to fall into and I didn’t like how I felt when I did.
In reflecting back on that hurtful time I remember a close friend took me to breakfast and told me what this person was saying about me. He shared with me a similar incident that happened to him a few years earlier. The most helpful piece of advice he got came from his adolescent daughter who said, “Dad, nobody who knows you would believe any of that crap.”
He said, “That same observation is certainly true for what you are presently experiencing. Anyone who knows you any length of time will immediately know that information isn’t accurate!” That friend’s sensitivity and insight was definitely helpful since some of the anger I was carrying was actually fear about what others would think about me.
While my friend’s words relieved some of my concern, what about the folks who really didn’t know me well? How might the lies possibly affect—and even prevent—potential future relationships? The need to control the outcomes was almost impossible to resist.
This is where having a faith relationship comes in. When we can’t control a situation, we can, as the saying goes, “let go and let God.” Of course, that’s easier said than done. Obviously, despite my best efforts, the fact that I am still carrying this incident around certainly confirms the reality that I haven’t forgiven this person completely even to this day.
Photo by Simon Humler – Unsplash.com
Forgiving can be hard, even when you want to do it. Sometimes even after we think we’ve forgiven, it comes back up and we have to start again. And when that happens, we need to be able to forgive ourselves. Maybe just as much as forgiving my former employee, I need to forgive myself for carrying this around all these years?
I expect self-forgiveness can be the most difficult and yet the most important gift of forgiveness we can give ourselves! It can’t be rushed or undertaken lightly. To truly forgive ourselves, we must first be willing to honestly wrestle with our part in whatever happened and how we dealt with it at the time and ever since. Here is where the Sneaky God shows up for me and assures me that I have already been forgiven! I don’t full understanding that amazing gift, but I am extremely grateful.
I don’t have my former employee’s contact information or know what I would say to him even if I did, but I’m committed to renewing my efforts at forgiving him—with my Sneaky God’s help, of course!
QUESTIONS FOR DEEPENING THE SPIRITUAL JOURNEY
- Have you had an experience with forgiveness that led to a deeper relationship? Do you think any relationship with depth can endure long term if it doesn’t include forgiveness?
- Have you experienced forgiving someone who wasn’t remorseful, didn’t accept responsibility, and/or didn’t want to repair the relationship? How did that impact you emotionally?
- Have you ever experienced forgiveness from someone else? How did that feel? How does this inform your ability to forgive others? Have you sought forgiveness and not received it? How has this affected you?
- Are you able to forgive yourself? Why or why not?
- What barriers do you have regarding forgiveness (i.e. believing that it must be deserved, that the relationship must be reconciled, etc.)? What makes forgiveness easier for you?
- How does forgiveness fit in with your faith?
- Who or what do you need to forgive right now? What is holding you back?
Banner photo by Alex Shute – Unsplash.com